We all have a kind of virtual policeman living inside us. Amongst other things he’s the guy that helps us work towards our goals, whether personal or professional.
When things go wrong and we stray off the straight and narrow, he reminds us what we were supposed to be doing.
But what kind of policeman is he? Is he the kind with a riot shield, a baton and a bad attitude or does he offer a forgiving smile, a friendly word and a helping hand?
People sometimes think of the latter, more relaxed internal policeman, as being weak and ineffectual. The danger, it is thought, with going easy on ourselves, is that it will lead to lower motivation. Surely if we don’t use self-criticism to push ourselves, we’ll never get anywhere?
So, what stance should we adopt towards ourselves?
|We all make mistakes,
but should you beat yourself up
or show a little mercy?
Antitoxin of the soul
Let’s say someone is trying to deal with a recent period of low self-confidence. Here are three ways the inner policeman might deal with it:
- Self-esteem boost: think about positive aspects of the self to boost confidence.
- Positive distraction: think back to nice memories to create a distraction from the problem.
- Self-compassion: think about the self with kindness and compassion, seeing the period of low self-confidence in context, without evaluating or judging it.
When psychological researchers tested these approaches they found that self-compassion was surprisingly powerful (Breines & Chen, 2012). In comparison to self-esteem boosting and distraction, this study found that self-compassion was most likely to help participants:
- See the possibilities for change,
- Increase the motivation to change,
- Take steps towards making a change,
- Compare themselves with those doing better, to help motivate their change.
So self-compassion did not emerge as the soft-option: in fact, quite the opposite. By being sympathetic and non-judgemental towards the self, people were able to avoid both harsh self-criticism and potentially fragile self-enhancement.
When participants thought back to insecurities in their relationships, their shyness or social anxieties, it was showing compassion towards themselves that helped the most.
This may be because self-compassion builds a more balanced way of reacting to both failures in ourselves and difficult situations we find ourselves in. As the American writer Eric Hoffer said:
“Compassion is the antitoxin of the soul: where there is compassion even the most poisonous impulses remain relatively harmless.”